Advice on how and when to talk about relationship questions

by Sid
(New York City)

I just met a girl on she's pretty, 28, speaks fluent English, etc. On my second email I gave her my number and asked if she was comfortable, for her to add me on WhatsApp. She did and now we chat, but the content is pretty benign. Just how are you, what are you doing, how's your day, etc... It's only been a couple of days, but I'd like to ask her what her intentions are: like what she is looking for, is she serious about finding someone on this site and moving to another country, etc. I just don't want to seem pushy. I can see that she is on the site quite often, so my guess is that she corresponds with many men (I would imagine anyway).

I guess I'm just looking for advice on how to move forward. I'm not really sure how interested in me she is. She hasn't asked me any questions about my life our what I want or anything really.

What do you think?

Your guidance is appreciated. And this site is a great resource by the way. I have found it very useful, well written, and easy to navigate. Great content!


Bob's Comment:

Hmmm, I guess I answered your questions out of order. (for other readers, this same general question was posed/answered HERE).

Please keep in mind that I can't always answer these posts immediately.

Since there are a few extra slices of information here allow me this moment to expand a bit...

Asking what she's looking for is safe as that tends to be a very natural theme in early communication like this, but GENERALLY SPEAKING it's almost always bad practice (foreign or domestic) to ask a girl's intentions, if she's serious, etc. It runs far too much risk of coming off as a little desperate or rattled. That's NEVER good (foreign or domestic).

To determine the answers to those questions without asking, just apply the "Duck Test"... That goes like this, "If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it's probably just a duck..."

Likewise, if a girl can squeeze out all of one or two interesting letters (if that) and fails to return other attempts at contact, probably her intentions are not serious... at least not toward you. Or, as I said in my other answer, she's lazy, or just doesn't know how to go about it.

Don't take it personally, she's one in a million.

Thanks for the compliments about the site. I'm glad it's helpful!

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poster's response
by: Anonymous

Thanks for the responses... both of them :) of course you're right. to be honest part of it, if not all, is your gut or intuition. my impression is that she's not that interested... i could be wrong and I'll pursue in the way you described. it could also be, and what is probably better, is that she is not committing early. it seems you wouldn't want someone who is all over you from the beginning. i also think she gets a lot of messages, we actually spoke about that a little. she's probably overwhelmed to some degree and you can't expect someone to get all personal from the beginning with any one person... at least initially. as i mentioned, we just started talking a few days ago. i will keep you all posted and let you know if there's anything learned that i can pass on


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