Is she just after holidays, when I want commitment?

by Kevin

After searching on various sites for an Eastern European partner, and beginning to think that they were all scammers, I came upon your excellent site, and following your advice signed up to the equally excellent Russian Ukrainian Women site.

It was on this site that I met Yulia. I am 62, and Yulia is 46, and after exchanging a number of messages we had our first conversation on Skype - and I fell totally in love with her. After a number of conversations on Skype, I suggested a meeting. She lives in a large industrial city in Siberia, and I suggested that I came over to her city, but she did not want me to do this, telling me that everyone I would meet (taxi drivers, etc) would be dishonest and try to defraud me, and it would be better to meet in Europe.

So we had our first holiday in Paris. On our first day, I asked her to marry me, but she refused me, saying that we did not know each other properly (and with hindsight, she was totally correct). We had a second holiday that year, but after returning to the UK I decided that she was probably not the right person for me - she has never told a partner that she loves them (not even her ex husband of 10 years) was not tactile, was often very critical of me, and seemed very reluctant to commit to coming to my country to be with me.

So I wrote her a message, telling her how sorry I was, and explaining my reasons to her. After about a week, I started to get messages from her on Viber, almost always emojis of hearts, kisses, goodnights, good mornings, etc. I would sometimes reply, but not always, and some days neither of us would contact the other.

There then followed about 6 months, during which I met 2 other ladies, neither of whom were for me for various reasons. At about this time there was also a chance that I would not be able to have anyone living with me, as my landlord was refusing me permission to have anyone live in the house I was renting other than myself (and it was a large 4 bedroom house! I now, unsurprisingly, own my own house) At this time, I asked Yulia if she would be interested in just meeting up for holidays, with no prospect of coming to live with me, and she said that she would.

I then bought my own house, and contacted Yulia to tell her that I wanted us to give it another go, and we have had another 3 holidays together this year. On the first holiday, I asked her why she had said yes to seeing me again, as most women would not want to know a man after he had sent her a message ending it, and she said that it was because she remembered how good our time together was. And all 5 holidays we have had together have been excellent.

This now brings things up to date. On our last holiday I asked her if she would want to come to the UK to be with me, and she said that she would. So when I got home, I made enquiries about the Visa process, and sent Yulia a message telling her it could happen relatively quickly. I suggested that we had a phone conversation about it (due to the really bad connection on Skype in Siberia, we gave up talking on Skype a long time ago, and communicate outside of holidays on Viber. I say communicate, because I rarely get any text from her, although I myself write her text, with 95% of her messages being emojis) but she found excuses as to why we could not talk, and after a few days she said that it was good news that we could get the Visa quite quickly, but to delay applying for it until the spring, because her mother is due to have an operation on cataracts in one of her eyes and she wants to be with her to support her - she did have a similar operation on the other eye a few months ago

So I now wonder whether she really does want to come to the UK, or if she will just find other excuses not to come. She has told me that it is easy for me, but for her it is a big step to leave her country, which is undoubtedly true. On the positive side, we do feel like we are a couple when we are on holiday together, she is good company, and we share very similar interests. Unlike a number of the other ladies that I have met, she is not constantly looking for me to buy her expensive presents, and is actually quite careful with money, although obviously I have paid for all of the holidays as well as buying her a number of gifts. On the negative side, she is sometimes very critical and has a cruel tongue, to the extent that she has criticised me for complimenting her - and I thought that was impossible for a woman!!! Other than when we make love, she does not allow me to kiss her properly (just a peck on the cheek is allowed) or to hug or hold her. And although I stopped my membership of the site on which we met a long time ago, if ever I look at the site most days she has logged on - why? She does not work in her country, so is this just boredom?

I feel that I am being torn in 2 directions, with my heart telling me one thing, and my head putting doubts into my mind. I would welcome an outsider's view of the situation, particularly one who has experience of the Eastern European women's psyche.

Comments for Is she just after holidays, when I want commitment?

Click here to add your own comments

RE: Is she just after holidays, when I want commitment?
by: Bob (Site Owner)

You're the one that's in this all the way, so your perception is guided by a million little signals many of which you aren't even consciously aware. That makes me want to turn this back on you... You have far more data than you could ever think to report. What do YOU REALLY THINK?

Hint: I think your message has that answer implied.

But it sounds to me like there's something not right with her.

Already her communication style as you've described it does not sound commensurate with a woman serious about you (the emoji business, the lack of responsiveness to your announcement that a visa was obtainable, etc.).

Further, your mention of her being critical and cruel, NO KISSING/HOLDING/HUGGING AFTER SEX, she continues to log in to the site where you met... Those are some fairly large weights on the minus side of the scale.

I like the "no expensive gifts" thing, but man, she's had now FIVE EUROPEAN VACATIONS. I'm guessing with transportation, lodging, food, and entertainment this price is topping $25,000.

I don't mean to scold you here, but this is the very reason I so strongly advocate first meetings only in the girl's city and avoid "vacation-ish" destinations. Here I would like to amend that suggestion to include ALL pre-marital meetings should be in her city.

There are several reasons for this suggestion, but one of the biggest is that it takes substantial material benefits out of the equation. In other words, one isn't left asking the very questions you're asking.

When a Russian/Ukrainian woman gets vacations she could never afford on her own that's a pretty nice payday even if she doesn't put any cash in her pocket as a result.

by: Jeff from Dallas Texas

OMG, this poor guy loves punishment. The whole story make me feel tired and sad.

Man, go find another woman!!!!!

Not a reason to give up on the search
by: Gary from Boston

I concur with Bob and Jeff, there are too many warning signs here. However, that doesn't mean you give up the search. Keep your membership active and keep trying.

Bob may take me to the woodshed for saying this but I have taken my Russian fiancee (who lives in Ukraine) on 5 European trips and I have also visited her in Ukraine twice over the last roughly 3 years. I currently have a petition in progress to bring her to America.

Now, my FIRST trip was to see her in Ukraine. I had expressed some uncertainty in getting to her city (Vinnitsa) because I don't know the language. She IMMEDIATELY offered to take a train to Kiev (3 hours away), get herself to the airport and escort me back to Vinnitsa. She never asked for funding. Since the stinking train ride was like $10 I sent her the money (plus some extra for incidentals) because I felt it was the right thing to do.

We had a FABULOUS time together. We had known each other for 5-6 months before I made the trip My reasoning for such a long duration would exceed Bob's maximum for messages on this site :-). It was ALL me. She would have been happy to meet me MUCH earlier. In retrospect, I would have flown out to meet her after maybe a month or two.

I am of Irish ancestry so Schnookums discovered an Irish pub near Maidan in Kiev and told me about it. Our first 'date' was an Irish pub. How many women would sign up for that gig??? We had a lot of laughs that night and saw some live entertainment. The next morning we 'trained' it to Vinnitsa. While in Kiev that first night we had our own rooms.

No proposals happened during our first trip (or even our first couple of trips). We took our time and built our relationship. What surprises me is how many men I have read about, or spoken with, who have proposed to an eastern European lady rather quickly.

These are women like you find anywhere. If they are normal and legit, they want to get to know you first and not just through Viber or Skype.
Take your time (Bob impressed me on this a number of times and he was absolutely right).

Build a relationship. I do think eastern European women are a charming exception to westernized women. They are worth knowing. You can meet someone very special over there.

Ok, climbing off my soapbox, she and I then agreed to meet in Germany for our next trip. I spent a fair amount of money over time but not $5k per trip. In fact, we found WICKED inexpensive hotels (many at HER recommendation), ate affordably. Sure I'd buy her some gifts but nice gifts that didn't break the bank. She was thrilled whenever I did it. It was never a MANDATE. I always chose to do it and when I wanted.

We communicate in Viber (both video and text), Skype and Messenger. From the very beginning, she ALWAYS responded to me and we had some rather entertaining and lengthy conversations. When I first met her, she had started English classes (on her own) only 4 or 5 months prior. Still, we communicated fine (even if she was frantically in Google Translate much of the time).

Substantial conversations (not just emojis), good Skype videos. We really got to learn about each other, how we felt about things, our visions of life. We both have one child (in both cases a son... almost about the same age). We had some very humorous conversations about child rearing... and the challenges with a boy.

Another thing. She ALWAYS worked in her life. In fact, she ran a lingerie business (two shops in Vinnitsa) for many years and was still running them when I first met her. She has since closed the business to have a life again and now rents both shops (which she owns) to other businesses (her 'salary' as she calls it). She is self supporting.

Now that I have written you a novelette, hang in there. As Bob mentioned, if you meet a woman and start getting to know her listen to your inner voice. If it's telling you to go slow, go slow. If it's telling you to run for the hills, run for the hills. If it's telling you she could be the one, follow your heart.

Click here to add your own comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to Russian Women Questions and Answers.